Counting the Ways
by saifai
Summary: Spike spends his time counting, and worrying about his future with Xander.


Title: Counting the Ways  
Author: Saifai  
Summary: Spike spends his time counting, and worrying about his future.  
Pairing: Spike/Xander  
Author Notes:   
1) This story is canon up until "The Gift," and then separates shortly after the first few episodes in Season 6.  I would assume this would take place during some AU version of that season.  2) Please understand that I wrote this on a whim after getting a bunny from hell after watching Dracula II: Ascension (sequel to Dracula 2000).  It has not been beta'd, and I'm not sure it ever will be.  Take it as is, and please excuse any mistakes.    
3) The poetry in italics within the story is from a poem called "Count the Ways" by Ebbe Perales, and was taken entirely out of context.

* * *

_The endless hours and the days  
__My heart will pain and ache for you_

I don't sleep much at night.  There are too many distractions to keep me awake.  Most nights, I lie awake at night counting.  The Scoobies probably think that vampires don't sleep much at night because we have too much energy.  That's partly true, especially considering that it is unnatural for me to sleep the human's hours.  Since Xander and I have been together however, I just can't help but want to keep his hours.

_There's nothing else that I can do___

The thing of it is vampires are compulsive counters.  It's not our only compulsive behavior, but it's by far one of our most debilitating.  It takes 252 licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop.  It takes 50 licks before Xan gets frustrated with my teasing and then it takes only one swallow around his hard length before he loses all control.

_Nothing more I want than this  
__Love, comfort, peace and bliss_

I don't always get to spend as much time with my pet as I would like.  His new position as foreman at the construction site keeps him working long hours.  Those nights that he comes home late, I curl around his side as he falls asleep.  I love his warmth, and especially his scent.  Those nights are almost lonely for me.  I lie awake at night ever counting.

_Vast is your love vast is your heart  
__From you I will never part_

His heart beats an average 23,040 times on a good night.  The rise and fall of his chest hypnotize me.  I will count 5,280 breaths this night.  I sigh needlessly and think back to the past.  

_I dream of you so constantly_

In the dark days after Buffy's death, I could do nothing but count.  It took her 13.64 seconds to fall to the ground, beyond the reach of her sister's tears.  147 days later, she came back, but it was too late for me.  My own grief and guilt over her death had taken me too far away from her side.  I wanted nothing to do with her.  

_The times my eyes have cried their tears  
__The times I gave into my fears_

Everyone forgot about me in the aftermath – the witches, my sweet niblet, and even Xan.  We had all grown so close in those summer months, but the return of their champion left me bereft.

_The loneliness I feel inside  
__I hope this feeling will subside_

I don't think any one of them noticed my absence for many days.  When Anya left Xander, he finally noticed.  He came to me with his head hung in both sadness and shame.

_When I see you my heart skips a beat_

I stood as he entered, but faltered beyond taking a single half step towards him.  We stood in silence for 64 seconds before he finally gathered the courage to speak.  He only had to speak but my name and I was lost, "Spike…"

_I crave the day I feel you _

Tears gathered in my eyes and his eyes met mine.  I knew then what I felt building between us during those long days was not a mistake.  I moved swiftly to close the distance, both in body and spirit.

_I only need you to be complete touch  
__I want to hold you oh so much_

A soft puff of air against my cheek rouses me from my musings.  I shift to see his beautiful face, but the movement disturbs him.  He pulls me in closer to him, not wanting to lose the closeness even for a moment.  I lean up to brush my lips softly against his, and softly stroke his cheek.

_I close my eyes and see your face  
__My time with you will not erase_

As I back down, resting my head on his firm chest, I can't help but consider how short my time will be with him.  The gentle rise and fall of his chest brings me back to my original thought of the night.  If he lives to a ripe old age of 80, I figure he has 2, 869, 909 breaths left.

_Your tender lips, your graceful walk  
__Your loving smile, the way you talk_

I know that some day I will lose him.  I know that day will be my last.  I close my eyes tightly against the pain, not wanting to think too much about something I can't change.  I only want to savor the time I have left with him. 

_So count the ways  
__The endless hours and the days  
__I have spent on loving you_

I burrow closer to his side as I relax.  I force myself to stop counting his breaths, not wanting to waste any more time on calculating how much time we have left.   My last thoughts before sleep claim me is of him.  I see that soft smile, love shining out of his eyes.  I only hope that I can reflect that back to him on his dying breath.


End file.
